Playdate
Posted these to Tumblr because I have yet to figure out a better way to share videos on here. Oh, how serene and blissful this was. I will definitely do it again. This park had a sprawling community garden and a playground and everything. I FaceTimed my mom while skating and she was enthralled. "I am so proud of you. You are really playing with your inner child." Haha, yeah, these solo outings I go on are like playdates, except the other person is also myself.
(Fun fact: I used the term "playdate" for hangouts up until high school.)
I keep thinking about what Arthur sent me. How he and the others miss me. How he misses talking with me on group calls. I miss them all too, to some degree, but I do feel more detached now. I think the pain of things has driven a wedge between my heart and theirs. I'm tired of overestimating the depth of my connections with people, tired of the clashes even if there is love at the root of them. I can love them all from a distance, and I do love them very deeply. There is more joy and freedom in going out and exploring with myself as opposed to sitting on my computer and getting stressed over group happenings anyhow. They have a lot more patience in dealing with each other's bs than I do, and I don't want my frustration and shortness to get in the way of their collective healing. Not that I've ever really been a burden or issue, others within that group have certainly caused far more turmoil and distress, but it's just... not in my path to be there. At least not for the time being. I don't feel the desire to resume using Discord, even if some really special people are on there.
Besides, I'm not really "gone." Any of them can text or call me at any time, and they know this. Harper reached out to me a little while ago with the sweetest update paragraph. He invited me to come visit him in May before he moves back to NorCal, but I don't have the means. Another time, though. Another time... Teasy and I chat on Telegram and called with each other not too long ago. I still text Nina and Juno, too, although Juno's been pretty unavailable lately since things are always Happening in her life. Keith and I eventually want to hang out again and go to a cat cafe whenever he starts feeling better mentally. Crazy to think we met solely online through the Wet n' Creepy server. That was back in 2022..? 2023? Either way, we were both going by the name Felix at the time (I was only called Felix by that group, though; online alias), and he sent a pic of himself getting gas at Wawa, and I was like... Yo, is that another Felix from New Jersey?
As I've gotten older, there's been a shift from the internet to the physical. Social media desertion aside, my closest relationships are not solely online anymore. My local friends bring me plenty of fulfillment and my longer distance friends are a delight to see (Keith and I have GOT to go to Vermont together now that both of us can drive). Of course there are exceptions; Elizabeth is my soul-wife and Moondust is my e-mom, but for the most part, I have broken out of online socialization. Liz also feels more like a friend I met in person that has since gone long distance. Maybe that's due to the deeper and more vulnerable nature of our relationship. (Tangential thought: Heh heh, little stalker they are...)
Gah. This reminds me of Koi. They used to live in Maryland, only two or three hours from me, but that was when we were evil and rivals. I don't know what I was on at eighteen. I think I just found it fun to have a person I could be really mean to without worrying over potential abandonment. My version of "really mean" was being overly blunt with them about everything and yelling at them in DMs about how poorly they acted towards Michael while they were dating (they're both chill now). Koi would poke fun at me and talk about how much they hated me behind my back. Nowadays we laugh about all of that. I'm very thankful for their forgiveness. I mean, they're still close with someone whose relentless bullying gave them an eating disorder in 2022, so I guess my actions weren't too difficult to move past. I am also (kind of) friends with that other person, and she is very different these days, too. She's incredibly protective over Koi now and called me useless when she thought I was ignoring them on their birthday, lolol. Anyways, yes, by the time Koi and I became actual good friends, they were in the process of moving to the other side of the country. And that is where they still are. Frown.